@10kbabyspiders

I probably would have won the bar fight had the gentleman not pinned down my flip flop and thrown off my footwork.

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@PostCultRev

[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]

@Thedudish

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

@Iam_ikjoseph

I was at a bar when this sexy lady approached me and whispered, “hey do you wanna get out of here”?

I happily replied yes and stood up, then she took my seat and sat down😑

@LizHackett

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

@shopkins776

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

@AnkCoupleTO

[college career fair]

Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*

@robotrowboat

Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison

@djdarrellripley

Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!

Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!

Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!