Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sober me:

It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.

Drunk me:

A urinal! *pees in sink*

I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.

Accurate

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.

tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.

Me: oh. wow. ok.

Wife: what?

Me: nothing, it’s fine.

Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?

I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?

airing out the snack pack

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

[hospital]

me: what happened

doctor: you were in a terrible car accident

me: am i going to be ok

doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard

Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.

“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”

[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”

-cats

I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

“I’d hit that”

-old people who drive

Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot

Priest: absolutely not

You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]

me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time

shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?

me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe

My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*

Me: WHAT DID YOU DO

I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.