“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
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Johnny Depps wife filed for divorce, thanks a lot Australia! This is why nice people don’t visit you!
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
So can we start calling them Traylor now?
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Here’s a picture of the beautiful bonsai that died right after I got it. Ah, too bad but at least I’ve got this great picture of it. Picture, where’s the picture? Fuck!
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
😭😭
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Might f*** around and reply to all work emails with “make me
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
the saddest jazz hands ever
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there