I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
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My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
I’m throwing a surprise 40th birthday party for my friend this weekend. He’s 34 so it’ll definitely work.
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Velcrow
i sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond…are you mad at me?
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.