Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

[childbirth]

me: are you ok?

wife: IT’S AGONY!

me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY

Comment on your friend’s vacation group photos and ask which kid is their favorite. Then suggest which child you believe should be the favorite.

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]

neighbor: hey there

me: greetums

fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths

For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.

Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.

The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

“STOP COPYING ME!”

I yell, as my car spins out of control.

The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.

Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

*see Shawshank on TV guide*

Wife: Don’t do it

*picks up remote*

W: I said don’t do it

*turns TV to Shawshank*

W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.

I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”

Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?

Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.