I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
You Might Also Like
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.