Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices

TWITTER

2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral

2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable

2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater

2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools

If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano

5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.

*pushes their faces together*

Me: Did they kiss and make up?

5: No. She headbutted him.

I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.

Hey babe, are you my 47th open browser tab, because you are not responding

Auto correct is my worst enema.

If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you

Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week

We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.

Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”

Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?

Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.

Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.

My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.

Girl on the train complimented me and said I was funny, responded with “thanks, it’s all I have” and the rest of the train gave me a worried look

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭

boss: what are you doing this weekend?

me: more like who 😉

boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?

me: no one 🙁

Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that

*Googles Yahoo*

Google: Wow. I’m right here

seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.

the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight

I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey