I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
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It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
to anyone wondering what it’s like going out with a woman over 40. it’s not easy.
My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
My Plans 2020
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Me: *drops mic*
Mic’s parents: OUR BABY!
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Single and childfree like Jesus