I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
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[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
They must have gotten it to go.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…