I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
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Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
#StillHurts
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘mnemonic’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.