Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars

Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.

barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??

ken:

barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*

My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.

*deletes my ex’s phone number*

k, weigh me now.

My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…

Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.

Terrifying if literal: the walls have ears

Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.

I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.

-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.

Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”

Also Americans:

My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?

Steering date to cheaper “catch of the yesterday” on seafood menu.

aragorn: you have my sword

legolas: and my bow

gimli: and my axe

WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff

Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!

Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*

Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution

Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.

Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.

I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”

Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.

Me: Is that why I’m-

Boss: That’s why you’re working.

Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game

Sorry I said you and your husband look related.

Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”