I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
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[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
10yo: How do you make a math book happy?
Me: IDK. How?
10yo: Solve the problems.
Someone give her a Dad Card. She’s ready.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me