I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
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WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Me: *trying to swallow a pill for 30 minutes* I’ve done it. Nope. It’s still in my mouth.
Morpheus: You probably aren’t the One.
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Hubby installed a secondary rain drop shower head so now we have 2 modes.
1) Acupuncturist
2) Drowning
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.