I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
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The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
problems i need
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!
BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!
SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
So in Ohio if they say ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’ does that mean they’re having an all-you-can-eat buffet?
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Dudes wash, shampoo, condition & rinse in under three minutes while women take a shour.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
They should invent something in between cappuccino & narcotics.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
seriously you guys
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting