Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life

I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion

[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds

One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.

A love story

I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*

when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]

“Can I get a umm…”

-every person ever at the drive thru

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.

Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

I tried to pay with cash today, and the kid at the register looked at me like I was showing him a magic trick.

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party*

*Gets arrested for indecent exposure*

[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit

I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.

If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.