I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
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My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?
Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.
Wife:………………….
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”
“Sir, this is a cheese counter”
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.
Me : Dating is tough. Lots of weirdos out there ..
Me on first Date : so here’s everything I know about the Jonestown massacre.!
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.