A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die đ
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Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I donât have to be forcibly removed from them.
ME: we need to focus. weâre so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg PokĂŠmon do exist.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
can you imagine shamir going through the Bad Freelance Experience…… someoneâs like âi want u to assassinate this guyâ and she quotes them for 2000g and they go âwhat? thatâs so high! doesnât it only take you two seconds to, like, shoot an arrow?â
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
Her: Youâre up to a pack a day nowâyou have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
if dolly were in the holy bible sheâd be in charge of parton the red seas.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
The perfect introvert’s party cake doesn’t exis…