Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?

No one :

Me when I swimming :

When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”

‘Bob, that’s a cat.’

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

[first date]

Him: I love Asian girls

Me: [trying to act all Asian]
*smiles
*starts sweating
*attempts to pick up chopsticks
*fumbles
*chopstick goes flying
*stabs him in the eye

Him: No, not like that

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.

Him: Could you be any more annoying?

Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.

My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.

I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.

This joke is 7 years old

Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.

Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.

the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday

his funfair is next Friday

The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭

I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire

Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?

Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.

My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.

Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”

My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move

– a parenting memoir

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles

Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?

Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.

It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.

But it’s harder to deter gents.