Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“You think I’m smart, right?”

Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.

Annnd that’s how the fight started.

*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*

“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”

Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”

*narrows eyes*

You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs

*leads a conga line off of a bridge

Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”

ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!

wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?

Pizza rolls are shaped like little pillows because you’re ready for a nap after eating 50 or 60 of them.

I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.

Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

[supermarket – empty shelves]

me: everyone is hordeing

her: I think you mean hoarding

me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean

The opposite of a vegan is a Texan

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.

Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂

Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.

Me: Okay. When will that be?

Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.

*washing car*

Neighbor: “You washing your car?”

Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”

[office]

Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.

In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”

To all staff: the library now uses new programs for collaboration, project management, scheduling, and messaging. Each has different password requirements with 12-factor authentication. This will boost productivity for the 20 minutes a day that you’re not logging into something.

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.

Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women

a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee

Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it