I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
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I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Ok, I’ve joined #Mastodon but also this
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
Fellas, be sure to never ask a lady any questions on a date. This makes them feel interrogated. Strong declarative statements only
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.