“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
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What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
Dear Facebook, it has come to our attention that some of you are posting new jokes. Please remember that all jokes must be submitted to twitter at least 3 years in advance
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
*toweling off sweat from my brow, slamming a Gatorade, deep breath*
“Thank you for holding, were you able to turn it off and back on again?”
hmmmmmm
need him
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.