“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
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the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU