Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: Yay! Summer break!

Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!

Batman trying to get some sleep during the day

My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.

I have taken 37 steps since March 16th. Call me for your fitness needs.

This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.

I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question

I once had a coworker friend tell me how her son was arrested in another country, and she had to buy gift cards and send them by “special delivery” person who picked them up, to bail him out. I laughed out loud (couldn’t help myself) so hard, she never spoke to me again.

Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”

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DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:

– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash

– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth

– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry

I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.

A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit

I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.

Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch

what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night

If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.

[using Ouija Board]

“Will i ever find true love–”
“NEW GHOST WHO DIS”

The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space

He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?