Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old

BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.

I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives

ME: Glad to be here, Mort

i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show

Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats

Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…

What if giving up is overrated?

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.

Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.

the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell

When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend

me: I wish for infinite wishes!

genie: ok

me: wait are you serious

genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit

Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.

An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.

I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.

Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

Schools spent time teaching us things like quadratic formula and not how to split a check with one person who only has PayPal, someone who only has Venmo, another person who only has Zelle, and nobody has any cash.

Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen

1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.