Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

Me: My name is Daniel Kibblesmith and I will be performing Defying Gravity from Wicked

Casting Director: This audition is for a water-logged corpse on Law & Order

Me: And I have some ideas

If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…

…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.

If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.

Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.

The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

The horror:

“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.

Phew
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Phew ✔
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The Chosen Phew

[First Date]

Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”

*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor

*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*

Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.

Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!

*general murder sounds*

I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

New word: Biscgret.

Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.

Please don’t leave that cake alone with me

You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!

Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half

After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.

THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?

Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.

why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:

i am home.
if you knock

and the book is $49.99

Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.