Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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I embrace aging gracefully

And bitterly

With good humor

And rage

[In the gym] hey guys it’d be a lot easier to lift these weights if we worked together

“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200

Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.

Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen

No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.

Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.

Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!

Cop: license and registration.

Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.

Cop: where is it?

Me: I have absolutely no idea.

I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.

gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home

Me: did you know cows have best friends?

Wife: really?

Me: yep!

Wife: how do you know that?

[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].

Me: I’m glad you asked : )

Me *about to get hit by a bus*

OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER

Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.

On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”

Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw

My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN

I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.

My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)

My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow

I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.

I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.

If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info