I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
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Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
The real reason why they don’t make affordable jet packs for people is because they might start sky fights.
I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
