Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.

ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for

MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life

ME: Oh you will son, trust me

{20 years later…}

MY GRANDSON: Dad?

MY SON: Yes?

MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?

Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?

Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets

ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously

I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.

People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.

The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.

Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.

oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you

Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.

Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105

– Fancy restaurants

If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.

Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.

Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or

What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?

An eighteist.

My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work

I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.

By far the dumbest thing I’ve made

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.

i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on

Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.