I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
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A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
“I do not negotiate with terrorists!” said me, everyday, multiple times a day, to my children.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Seeing all this inclusion on TV and movies now is making me feel like I grew up in the 1800s…when only my knees did
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.