I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
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*frowns in Scottish*
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Got out of jury duty yesterday by confessing to the crime
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Photobombing Giraffe 😅
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
These work great until they don’t.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart