Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

that time you heard your best friend swear in front of his mom

I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget

When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying

changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded

Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.

Her: So, what is your major?

Him: I study forensics.

Her: Dude, that’s just 10!

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.

25 years ago we decided that nerds were actually cool and good. now they control the world and the complete destruction of human civilization draws nigh. I have no choice but to call up the kids who bullied me in high school for One Last Job

incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs

My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street

Had an epiphany today.

Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people

Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.

Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?

Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower

Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*

[fire raging in my bedroom]

smoke alarm:

[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]

smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE

Okay me first

A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”

Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?

I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-

ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]

I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too

As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”

It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.