I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
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Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
I bought you some jumper cables since you like to start shit
Me: I need to lose some weight.
Fries: Let’s do it together.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
Who else does this 🤦🏽😂
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
I like to play this fun game while I clean out the fridge called what is this, how long has it been in here and how do I kill it?
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!