I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
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If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Him: Why are you watching WWE all of a sudden?
Me: I’m trying to learn new holds for when I have to floss the kids’ teeth
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
*Husband forgets to close screen on door*
*4 hrs later*
Me: *feels furriness on my leg in bed*
*rolls over*
Squirrel: *stares*
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems