You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
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*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E R
M: Oh my god! Mom!
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I can’t wait to be the first murder victim on tv who loved ones describe as “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m actually surprised it took so long”
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.