I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
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Bed should get ready for ME
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
If Goldilocks was part of the Marvel Universe, The Three Bears would be her porridgin story.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
I don’t need a participation trophy. I don’t want anyone to know that I was here.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
How do I know I’m awkward? One time someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “cheese”
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.