Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.

Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.

My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.

me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]

my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you

me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok

captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna

1st mate: dont you mean sonar

captain (already in towel): full steam ahead

I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.

My 3 year old had a meltdown because she was smiling in a pic, but the puppy wasn’t. So I get it, parents that drive their entire family into a lake.

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

I’ve had no formal martial arts training, but I know for a fact the Power Rangers are wasting too much energy on unnecessary summersaults

I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.

Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”

– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients

Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.

Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.

Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

technically true but not a great slogan

Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.

Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.

Me: I love you so much

Calories: I love you more

before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted

[after the apocalypse]

God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver

Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man

I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.

Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.

Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow

Bloody internet 😳

I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!

Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.

Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee