Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.

6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

Husband: I love everything about you.

Me: Even my toe hair?

H: What toe hair?

Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.

My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.

Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.

The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.

I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.

I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees

I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.

I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.

I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.

Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids

therapist: so what’s troubling you?

me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate

therapist: and how does that make you feel?

me: fine

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”

She has a name you know!

“What is it?”

…Paige.

look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once

I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

me: I’m nervous about my job interview

friend: just be honest

[later]

interviewer: hi

me: yeah a little

Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?

-liveTweeting from the DogHouse

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

adulthood is arrogantly deleting and then sadly downloading tinder & uber eats over and over and over

Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.