I punch in 70 seconds on my microwave and it corrects me to 1:10. We’re like an old married couple
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Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
This is the best one I’ve seen
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
My sex drive has a dui
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Flying is a luxury experience in the same way as getting a colonoscopy is one.
You realize you are privileged to be able to afford it, but that doesn’t make it feel good.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.