I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
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Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
*swipes right on my hand mirror
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
According to customer service I can not bring sexy back…
Without the receipt, apparently.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
I either need to get serious about losing weight, or start shopping at places that sell costumes for circus bears.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important