I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
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I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Retweet to save a life.
#NationalGirlfriendDay
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
Interviewer: what are your future plans?
Me: lunch
Interviewer: I meant long term plans
Me: what, like dinner?
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*