I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
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My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Being a parent is less like opening a wardrobe to find Narnia & more like opening a sock drawer to find a potato chip.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
r/relationship_advice
Recently my gf has been saying that I look “tender” and “scrumptious”. the other day I caught her googling “cauldron big enough to fit person”
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re