I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
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*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I’d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”
One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
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On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
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shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise