I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
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I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
I lost a good friend today, he asked me to pick up some non-alcoholic beer.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
Him: Shall we have sex?
Her: I want to wait til we’re married
Him: Ugh fine
Priest: Shall I continue?
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
Just passed a psychiatric hospital. Anyways, wanted to let you know I was thinking of you today.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck