Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS

Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.

He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.

Cashier: the receipt is in the bag

Me: you too

I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me

Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT

“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.

RT if you know someone like this!!!

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?

I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

Friend: Wanna go out tonight?

Me: You know the rule, man. I need to be notified at least 3 months in advance.

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.

My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.

My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.

Traded my Fitbit in for a Sitbit

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”

CEO: what’s the store layout

me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions

CEO: ok

me: cigarettes will be right up front

CEO: first of all I love it

[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.

Statistician here. I work on massive public datasets for multiple government departments, who must never find out that I remember the difference between the greater than > and less than < symbols by muttering under my breath “the crocodile eats the bigger number”.

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

the one time i draw them and of course it’s a meme