I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
You Might Also Like
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Everyone hated math in high school, but when y’all get screwed on your pay check.
BOOM, suddenly you know algebra and calculus
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.