I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
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How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?
Guessing they were Navy Seals in a past life
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
When it comes to depression, sighs matters
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Maybe installing Freudian Autocorrect was not the breast idea.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
If the vaccine gives me any superpower, I hope that it is the ability to find my car in a parking lot
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.