I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
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walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
Spoiler Alert: I was late
Saw your ex at the shops
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
I am religious. I religiously avoid church.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead