Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I got 3 miles in before breakfast.

That’s enough driving for the day

[high school reunion]

me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes

Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?

Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.

Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?

Boss: haha oh goodness no

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee

“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”

– me, peeping at you in the shower

[my first day as a financial investor]

“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”

[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?

“You do the math”

AM I BEING GASLIT????

I hate when I’m typing away, expecting autocorrect to have my back, and I look down and just see awjdbdmkskanxksnakdbd

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.

I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”

*watching movie with demon killer clown*

Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*

*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit

When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.

French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.

My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.

you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.

“I need a beer, you want one?”

– me, helping my son with his Legos

People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.