Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

coworker is telling us that being a libertarian is based on facts and I’m rubbing dirt between my hands like the beginning of gladiator

I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.

I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.

very niche meme I made

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.

Him: Grew peas?

Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.

my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine

I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.

*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.

December birthdays be like…

I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.

My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

[hawaii]

me: aloha!

my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up

me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.

“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.

I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

3 – DAD! HEY DAD!

Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me

3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?

[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse

I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?