Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!

I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.

thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*

The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.

[interview]

Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?

Boss: you’re fired

Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?

[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?

Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?

Me: I want you.

Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?

Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself

Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?

Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman

5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars

Me: That’d wreck the economy

5: I just-

Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.

Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.

jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!

Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …

Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music

Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive

Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?

*Looks up from phone*

No idea

I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first

“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you

I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?

~ kid logic

Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?

Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*

Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.

I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there

Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”

me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right

Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine