I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
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Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”