Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay

I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?

Because he had no acetol

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving

them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear

alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo

*distant roar*

alexander hamilton: wait.

Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…

Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that

Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*

*Grave robbers exempt.

Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!

Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

i want enemies

My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

[Job interview]

Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?

Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.

Executive: You’re hired.

Me: I’ll start in a week.

I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.

Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.

Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*