Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember

me 5 seconds later: oh no

College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.

everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.

Her: I want you to leave me breathless

Me: *hides her inhaler

Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?

Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally

Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend

Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.

To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:

Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.

4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.

Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.

Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–

how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones

Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.

God: You get all the animals in?

Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out

*The walls turn red and start hissing*

Noah: Oh no

[texting]

you mean the wolf to me

-wolf?

ha! autocorrect fail!

-lol

what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.

I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.

Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?

I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.

I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s

Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’

I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’