I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
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My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
The glockness monster
Save money by sending the same unopened applesauce cup in your kid’s lunch all week, follow me for more financial tips
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
“You’d probably be more comfortable if you took more clothes off” is one of the dumbest lines that actually works on me
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
🔦🌙👣
Genius.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
A tampon just fell out of my bag as I went to pay for something at a garage & a grown man in his construction gear laughed…….at a tampon….
So I looked at him and asked him did he want to keep it since it brought him way more entertainment than it will ever bring me.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Optional boss fight.
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light