Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.

He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.

Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.

“This almost never happens,” I apologise to my date as the gates of hell open up and a kangaroo hops out.

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.

Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.

Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.

“Worm Regards”

At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.

There’s a guy in my hometown that sells reptiles and we nicknamed him Jake from Snake Farm. Ironically, he doesn’t have insurance.

Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.

mom: you’re grounded

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[20 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner

ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–

*goose with a badge waddles in*

ME: okay but i’m driving this time

I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.

I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.

I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.

*goes to bed at 5pm*

Both of my boys are away at college, leaving me alone to defend the thermostat against my wife and daughters.

Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.

I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.

We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.

boss: can i speak to you in my office

me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles

Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.

I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂

Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.

We are NOT ok.