I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
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(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
Me: “When’s your birthday”
Him: “here you go with that zodiac sign stuff”Actually I just wanna check the court websites
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
7: *walks into the house, holding $20 in one hand & keys in the other
Me: What kind of sales pitch did you use on your PaPa to get that?
7: I need $20 and your car keys.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house