Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes

A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.

Double cheeseburgers don’t make you fat, eating them does.

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?

Breaking news:

when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do

[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.

My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

4-year-old: What happens if I microwave 5 Barbies?

Me: That’s an oddly specific question.

4: I already know what happens if I do it with 4

all i want is to be as happy as this potato

Interviewer: can you tell me about a time when you succeeded?

Me: (nods and looks out the window contemplatively) no

[loud crashes]

Me: What was that?

4-year-old: Nothing.

Me:

4:

Me: OK.

Parenting is easier than it looks.

Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion

ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.

*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche