Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

I followed you because you’re hot

-Mosquitoes

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals

ME: no problem

[later w/ a group]

ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…

Me: [going in for a hug]

Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying

Band: Are you ready to rock?!

Me: I need to pee first.

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

She said we needed to talk and…

I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”

She said, “About where to eat.”

“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”

Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game

I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.

My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

MyFitnessPal:

“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”

ONE METRIC TON!!

i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still

This text is literally my relationship with my mother:

[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN

Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.

Me, showing up to school the next day:

My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.

And that’s what happened your honour.

I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.

A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.

If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.