Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off

5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair

I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.

Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.

“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in

guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???

Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.

My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.

The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.

Boss “Are you high?”

Me “If I was high could I do this?”

*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”

2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.

2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.

They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.

Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.

Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night

*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs

MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?

ME: have you restarted your computer?

MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.

Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.

It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii

Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.

Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.

Walt Disney:

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?

me: no. one only.

4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff

Me: But you don’t have any more money

4: That’s okay, we can use your money

Me: you need to pick up your Legos

4: can I ask you something first

M:

4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that

M:

4: I think that’s the best plan

M: um, no

4: screams

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?

5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.

Me: You’ve never had coffee.

5-year-old: Exactly.