Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”

My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.

ok hear me out: Luigiana

Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out

Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.

someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”

Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.

It’s actually Dr. whatever

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes

Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t

If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar

[Arriving at party]

Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?

Me: I was told “infancy dress”.

Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!

Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.

That explains why they date women
half their age.

Chasing my dream

Dream: I have a girlfriend

Me: Do you hear that? I’m finally on stage & they’re chanting for me.

Hangman: This is a scaffold and they’re in a frenzy for your death.

Me *face aglow* Don’t kill me all the way in case they want an encore.

I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.

Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.

ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir

BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job

I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool

[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

I’m forming a Wham! cover band with 3 other bald guys called Hairless Whisper.

At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”

a space alien in another galaxy opens a mysterious letter from the earth. as soon as he opens it a bunch of glitter falls out onto the floor. he slowly looks over at his friend, “okay, i’ve had enough of this. get into your spaceship & go destroy that planet.”

How to have sexy legs:

*Do lots of squats

*Go running 3x a week

*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg

*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee

*Make sure your legs go all the way up

*You can never have too many toes

*Refrigerate legs when not in use

*Wheels

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.