I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
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It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
[Gym]
Hello ladies, and welcome to Body By Jake!
Me: “Jake?” *i discreetly shove the cake I brought into my bag & back out of the room*
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Just ate a whole dictionary. It was alphabet soup, but I figure all the words were in there.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids