I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
You Might Also Like
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Either you’re violently frolicking with me or you’re violently frolicking against me.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Can Happiness buy money?
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
What.
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
“Fine mom! If you’re not going to let me have cookies, I’m gonna go in my room!!”
{inaudible whisper}
no. please don’t go.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
