I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.
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Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
customer: your darkest roast please
barista: god created amnesia bc of you
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.