Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.

Employee: please stop

Me: I’m just finding the right avocado

Employee: people usually just squeeze it

Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?

Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”

I like my whiskey like my marriage….

On the rocks.

Is it just me or are the puzzles on The Guardian website really easy?

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile

CELLMATE: no

My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?

Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.

An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga

Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need

in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone

I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.

You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet

I’ve started using a firming serum and have definitely noticed a difference. I’m making firm decisions now.

It’s not enough for my dog to sit and get pets; he must also make eye contact with my other dog to make sure that he knows.

Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.

Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?

I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.

ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.

ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now

My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.

News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.

cop: do you know who the murderer is?

detective quasimodo: i have a [takes off sunglasses] decent lead

cop: [obviously disappointed] oh

detective quasimodo: what?

cop: it’s just i thought you were gonna say you had a… nvm it’s not important

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.

Me: Don’t push me.

Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”

taking a toddler to the beach timeline:

-pack the entire house: 1 hour

-find parking: 35 mins

-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins

-set up all your stuff: 25 mins

-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)

-pack up… 🤣