Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.

Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

Have I done my taxes? No. Have I sent myself an email with the subject line “DO TAXES”? Yes, and that is half the battle.

Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief

Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

me: that guy is half drunk

Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him

Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU

The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving

Dodgeball in gym class…

because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.

The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

Me: Can I have a Batmobile?

Santa: Be realistic.

Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?

Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.

So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension

wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat

Pretty disgusting that Air Bud can dominate any human sport, but I join one greyhound race and get put down

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.

My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.

Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.

Never share a secret with a clock.

Because Time will tell.

STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?

TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.

STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.

Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING