Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: It’s time to get ready for school.

Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?

Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.

[6 hours later]

Kid: What are we having for dinner?

Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!

My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.

Them: How many calories do you eat each day?

Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls

[First Date]

Me: I’ll just have a salad.

[Second Date]

Me: *on table, hunched over like four plates of nachos, hissing* My precioussss.

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good

It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.

Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.

Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this

[showing off my distressed jeans]

jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH

According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.

3yo: When will I die?

me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.

3yo: Who is going to kill me?

UMMM, what?

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.

Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.

Me: *cutting fingernails*

Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

“felt cute might delete later lolz”

I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this

I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

me: my friends: