Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to

If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for

My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

M: Join the club.

Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here

[Forest]
GF: Oh god it’s a bear!

Me: *Stuffs socks down front of pants*

GF: What are you doing?

Me: Making myself look big

Bear: Well hi

After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am

I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.

Her: are you almost done?

Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page

Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago

Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.

Me: A strained what now?

Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.

I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.

wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying

Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.

Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.

Luke: OK.

Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.

To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.

My 9-year-old beat the system. I asked him what he wanted to be for Halloween and he said fisherman so he got new fishing pants and a fishing vest and a fishing hat. He’s all set up now for one night to trick or treat and a whole year of fishing.

[6 ½ hour car ride]

Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.

Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*

At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.

Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot

Me: ok

My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate

Me: ok

Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.

But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.

Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…

Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”

Baker: “What type do you want sir?”

Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”

Bartenders be like ” heres that receipt, i’ll go ahead and put it on the wettest part of the bar”

Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.

Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!

At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.

A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.