@BobGolen

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.

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@sandjoeman

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

@Donnie_Fairburn

Women say they like a man in uniform but I’ve been wearing this naughty nurse outfit all day and not a single woman has approached me yet 🙁

@3sunzzz

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

@_Ms_Moneypenny_

This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*

– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁

@LoveNLunchmeat

STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.

@graceupongracie

Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure

@ThisOneSayz

*on phone*

He: so where is this going, babe?

Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!

@trevorthehuman

Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.

@Darlainky

I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.