I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
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“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
#MeanwhileInCanada
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
I drew y’all a little something.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty