@TheMichaelRock

I put a Samsung Galaxy Note 7 inside a Samsung washing machine and now I own a nuclear warhead.

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@HatfieldAnne

In the early hours, the hoarse retching of a cat with a hairball. First one out of bed has to clean up. My bladder is empty. Bring it.

@thatdutchperson

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

@HatfieldAnne

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

@beefman138

[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]

Me : Can I have my robe back, please?

@sfreeze6

So I suppose Obi-Gyn Kenobi would have used the forceps?

@dave_cactus

[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.

[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.

@Cidisn

Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.

@EhhBartt

I RT a bunch of awesome stuff. nnBecause its funny. And I needed to hide my tweets from last night.

@GrantTanaka

me: how does this even happen
son: [head stuck in drawer] I dunno
wife: [eating birth control from pez dispenser]

@NewDadNotes

Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?

Trooper: State Police identify yourself

Me: Police identify yourself

Trooper: State Police

Me: Police