“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
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[Watching the sunset over Paris]
BF: My darling *goes down on one knee*
GF: OH MY GOD!!
BF: THIS is how I proposed to my last girlfriend
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
can’t catch a break
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
Just realized the girl I flipped off in the parking lot is in my next class.. This could be awkward.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that