I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
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wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
man i love columbo
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.