I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.
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NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
o shit
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.