Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*

Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-

Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*

“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.

[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”

Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?

*first time fishing*

Me: Ok now what

Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth

Me: orkay nrow wrhat

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.

I got jort-martialed

Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.

*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW

*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER

“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.

I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.

When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.

Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?

Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.

Therapist: That’s not very healthy…

Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷‍♀️

there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎

🔊 Sound up

instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed

I can’t run from my demons. The law clearly states I have to keep them until they’re 18.

dude it’s called proctologist

Instant pancake mix box: just add water

Me: sounds easy

Oh no, too thick [adds more water]

Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
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*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes