I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
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There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Why the hell does that hurt now?
Me, waking up every morning.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
“So basically, they’ll either be able to go back 10 seconds by tapping this one, or about an hour and a half by pressing this one and leaving it for over 0.3 of a second”
“Anything in between?”
“Nope”
[Standing ovation]
“Rewind” department meeting at streaming service HQ.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Math at Halloween.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Sheep
