Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10

A leaf blower, but for people.

i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.

From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.

I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.

Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?

Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.

10: What’s it like to live in denial?

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.

*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*

There. That should keep ’em out.

Sleeping Beauty is my favorite story about how any sweet princess will activate her fire breathing dragon if you wake her up from a nap.

“Will he ever wake up?”

He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*

*patient wakes up to turn off the music*

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.

I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me

*couple walking through the house they just bought*

Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!

Wife: Really?

H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.

*later*

Friend: Is there an attic?

Husband: No.

If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.

Was it something I said?

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”

At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.

Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.

3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?

Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.