Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.

*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret

Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

God: *creates sunset*

Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?

God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.

Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this

When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.

“Dad, where do babies come from?”

“Walmart.”

[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here

[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”

Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.

But… why can’t I use my teeth?

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!

Me: Hey Mom!

My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time

Me: Wha-

Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!

I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.

As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul

Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??

I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.

Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”

You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.

A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.

ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.

Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.