Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How is tofu made?”

Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

[Commercial]

*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*

Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”

[On Screen Caption]

TEETH

One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.

And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.

9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday

“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.

My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol

I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro

The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.

I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.

I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter

a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

[Restaurant]

Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.

Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?

Me: Still call it a salad though.

My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.

[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.

They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness

“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter

Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

Broke my make-up mirror this morning.

I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”

I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.