I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
You Might Also Like
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
asking santa clause for nudes
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
(Husband asks to see my phone)
Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever