I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
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Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
I’m not saying I’ve been doing a lot of online shopping, but now every time our dogs bark, all three kids yell “mom, your Amazon is here.”
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.